Under Pressure: What Parents Need to Know About Stress and Anxiety in Girls

If you are raising a daughter right now, you already feel it.

The pressure. The comparison. The constant performance. The worry that never seems to turn off.

In Under Pressure, psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour tackles what she calls the epidemic of stress and anxiety in girls and she does it in a way that is both validating and practical.

This isn’t a panic-driven book. It’s a perspective-shifting one.

Here’s what stood out to me.

Some Anxiety Is Healthy

One of the most freeing ideas in this book is this:

Not all anxiety is bad.

Fear and stress act as warning systems. They help girls prepare, study, rehearse, and think carefully. Anxiety becomes a

problem only when:

• The warning system goes off constantly

• It interferes with daily functioning

• It prevents them from living their lives

Instead of trying to eliminate anxiety, Dr. Damour encourages us to help girls learn to manage it.

As parents, we should pay attention to how often the alarm is going off; not rush to silence it immediately. That reframe alone changes everything.

A Shy Girl Is Not an Anxious Girl

This was an important distinction. Not every quiet or reserved girl is struggling with anxiety.

Shyness can mean:

• Preferring depth over popularity

• A small circle of trusted friends

• Thoughtfulness and observation

The goal is not to turn shy girls into extroverts. The goal is to help them feel comfortable being  who they are. Healthy friendships where they can express their views and feel safe matter more than social status.

Girls Face Harassment And They Need Tools

This feels very real.

Girls experience harassment at all ages. And too often they are left to figure out how to

process it on their own.

Dr. Damour emphasizes:

• Teach girls how to report harassment.

• Help them understand it is not their fault.

• Give them language to respond.

• Practice conversations ahead of time.

Preparation builds confidence. And confidence lowers anxiety.

The Pressure to Be Agreeable

Girls are often socialized to:

• Be nice.

• Be accommodating.

• Be agreeable.

• Avoid conflict.

But constantly being agreeable creates stress. It trains girls to ignore their discomfort.

We have to explicitly teach:

• It is okay to say no.

• Boundaries are healthy.

• You can prioritize yourself.

• You don’t need to be liked by everyone.

Teaching boundaries isn’t creating difficult daughters. It’s raising strong women.

Girls Worry More Because More Is Expected of Them

This book doesn’t ignore reality: Girls are under tremendous performance pressure.

Academics. Social life. Sports. Appearance. Online image. Future goals.

They often feel they must excel everywhere. Dr. Damour encourages families to shift the focus from performance to well-being. That is a powerful parenting shift.

Instead of asking: “How did you do?”

Try: “How are you feeling?”

Don’t Rescue Coach Through

One of the strongest takeaways: Some anxieties should be approached, not avoided.

Afraid of public performance? Practice in a small safe setting.

Worried about a test? Take it. Learn from it. Adjust.

Avoidance feeds anxiety. Exposure builds resilience.

This aligns deeply with connection-based parenting: you don’t push harshly, but you also don’t remove every discomfort.

To Support Your Daughter, Take Care of Yourself

This part hits home. When your daughter is melting down, anxious, spiraling, or overwhelmed…

Your nervous system matters. If you escalate, she escalates. If you stay regulated, she co-regulates. Dr. Damour reminds parents:

• Listen.

• Acknowledge.

• Don’t react.

• Be present.

• Let the intensity pass.

But in order to do that: You need support too.

We cannot pour calm from an empty cup.

My Overall Thoughts

I would absolutely recommend Under Pressure to parents of girls, especially tweens and teens.

It normalizes what is happening. It removes shame. It offers practical strategies.

And most importantly, it doesn’t frame girls as fragile. It frames them as capable if we support them wisely. The strategies in this book apply beyond girls. Parents of boys, educators, and coaches can learn from it too. Raising girls right now is complex.

This book helps simplify what really matters. 💛