What I Learned From How to Talk to Your Kids About Divorce
- Allison Lloyd
- 3 days ago
- 4 min read
By Dr. Samantha Rodman
There are some parenting books you read to learn strategies.
And then there are parenting books you read because you are in survival mode.
How to Talk to Your Kids About Divorce by Dr. Samantha Rodman falls into the second category.
If you are walking through divorce or even just considering it, one question tends to rise above all others:
How do I protect my kids from this?
Dr. Rodman’s central message is surprisingly steadying: Divorce itself is not what most damages children. It is the way parents communicate before, during, and after that shapes their long-term adjustment. That idea alone lowers the temperature in the room.
Because communication is something we can work on.
Divorce Is Not One Story
One of the most helpful early reminders in this book is that divorce is not a single experience.
Some marriages end mutually and with respect. Others unravel with bitterness. Some are loud and conflict-filled. Others are quiet and emotionally distant for years before the separation ever happens.
Children experience those versions differently.
But what stood out to me most was this: your emotional functioning directly affects your child’s emotional functioning. Not in a shaming way. In an empowering way.
If you are dysregulated, resentful, explosive, or collapsing emotionally, your child absorbs it. If you are calm (even while sad), emotionally honest but bounded, your child absorbs that too.
That truth feels heavy and hopeful at the same time.
The Conversation That Changes Everything
The chapter on “the initial talk” is practical and compassionate. Dr. Rodman encourages parents to plan ahead. Not to script something robotic, but to reduce chaos in an already destabilizing moment.
Say the word “divorce.” Even with young children. Naming something makes it less mysterious.
Tell siblings together.
Avoid blame.
Resist the urge to share adult details: even if they feel justified.
Express sadness about the change, even if you personally feel relief. Your child is allowed to grieve something you may be glad is ending.
And above all, reassure them repeatedly:This is not your fault.You are deeply loved.You will still have two parents.
I appreciated her firm reminder that honesty does not mean emotional dumping. Kids need truth, not a courtroom transcript.
Your Child Is Not Your Emotional Support System
This chapter is where the book becomes especially important.
Divorce is lonely. It hurts. It destabilizes identity. It’s incredibly easy to slide into treating your child like your safe person. Dr. Rodman names this clearly: your child is not your confidant.
They should not hear about:
Your co-parent’s financial failures.
Affairs.
Resentments.
Parenting disagreements.
Your anxiety about the future.
When children are placed in adult emotional roles, even subtly, they often appear mature, calm, or understanding. But internally, they are carrying weight they were never meant to hold.
If this has happened (and many loving parents fall into it unintentionally), she suggests something surprisingly simple: apologize. Tell your child you leaned on them too much. Tell them they don’t have to carry your emotions anymore. That alone can restore boundaries.
As someone who talks about emotional health regularly, I found this chapter grounding. Boundaries are loving. Even in divorce.
Emotions Aren’t the Problem
One of the most beautiful through-lines in this book is the emphasis on emotional validation.
Children will feel sad. Angry. Confused. Loyal to one parent one week and the other the next. They may express resentment. They may lash out. The solution is not to minimize those feelings. It is to meet them.
Dr. Rodman leans heavily into empathy, mirroring, and validation. Reflect back what your child says. Show curiosity. Communicate that their feelings make sense.
Emotions, when acknowledged, peak and pass. Invalidated emotions linger.
For millennial moms, especially many of whom were raised in “you’re fine” households, this section is powerful. Divorce doesn’t require perfect parenting. It requires emotionally available parenting.
The Co-Parenting Language Shift
Language shapes perspective.
Referring to “my ex” in contemptuous tones doesn’t just express your frustration, it quietly invites your child to split loyalties.
Saying a child “visits” the other parent implies one home is primary and the other is secondary. Dr. Rodman suggests framing it as living in two homes. Two full lives.
She addresses parental alienation clearly and directly. Speaking poorly about the other parent harms the child’s sense of self. Even justified anger must be handled carefully. This doesn’t mean excusing harmful behavior. It means protecting your child from carrying the emotional burden of adult conflict.
As someone who believes deeply in connection-based parenting, this section felt aligned with everything I’ve seen in my own life and work: kids thrive when they don’t feel forced to choose sides.
Every Child Is Different
The book walks thoughtfully through different ages and personalities: toddlers who regress, elementary kids who crave routine, middle schoolers obsessed with fairness, teenagers pushing for autonomy while still emotionally volatile.
She also addresses ADHD, highly sensitive children, strong-willed kids, and children with medical or psychological needs. What resonated for me is this: vulnerable kids need more stability, not more responsibility.
The oldest child does not automatically become the helper. The capable child does not become the emotional sponge. Your child’s temperament matters. Divorce doesn’t erase that it magnifies it.
The Long Game
Toward the end of the book, Dr. Rodman reminds parents that even if you understand everything intellectually, there will be hard days.
You will lose patience.
Your child will test limits.
You may speak sharply.
But one difficult afternoon does not scar a child for life.
What matters most is the pattern over time.
Regular one-on-one connection. Small daily moments of attention. Repair when you rupture.Staying emotionally open.
Divorce ends one version of family. It does not end the family itself. That framing is hopeful without being naive.
Should You Read It?
If you are newly divorced, considering divorce, struggling with co-parenting communication, or wondering how to answer hard questions without causing harm: this book offers grounded, research-informed guidance without catastrophizing.
It does not romanticize divorce. It does not pretend children won’t struggle. But it refuses the narrative that divorce automatically ruins children. And that balance feels steady.
As part of my journey reading 50 parenting books, this one reinforces a theme I keep seeing across research:
Children are resilient when adults are emotionally responsible.
Not perfect.Responsible.
And that is something we can grow into even in the middle of change.
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